The NFL draft allows teams to select players from any college, near or far. However, in this offseason shitpost I will analyze the fates of each team in an alternate universe in which quarterbacks must be selected from the same general area as the team selecting them. (I'm ignoring any team moves because that would just complicate things.)
Despite having one of the best defenses in the league, the Broncos had struggled for a long time due to a lack of good quarterbacks from the area. Then came Alex Smith from Utah, who did just enough to help them win.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The Chiefs are in a similar boat as the Broncos, with a good overall team. However, they are severely limited by starter Blaine Gabbert (Missouri).
The Chargers are looking to win the division with ease in the next few years thanks to stellar play from Derek Carr out of Fresno State!
Quarterback Andrew Luck is a perennial MVP candidate. Last year, he lead the Raiders to the Super Bowl.
The Texans are quite possibly the second best team in the AFC, after the Raiders. Since drafting Ryan Tannehill out of Texas A&M, they have had consistently decent offensive production to go with a fabulous defense.
The Colts have a high powered offense that has been lead by Purdue alum Drew Brees for over a decade. He consistently guides the team to at least mediocrity, and the team's success is determined year by year by how well the defense performs.
There is a lot of talent coming from Florida, but three teams must draw from specific regions. Having to draw from the Northern part of the state, the Jaguars end up with Jameis Winston from FSU. He is turning into one of the better young quarterbacks in the league, and Jacksonville looks to challenge Houston in the next few years.
Following the retirement of Titans legend Peyton Manning, Jay Cutler performed well in his first full year as a starter. However, his replacement is already being developed - Paxton Lynch.
Delaware alum Joe Flacco is still the starting quarterback, and the team is practically the same. They're division champions with Pittsburgh not being the same team.
This team was at the bottom of the league last year after losing starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater to a freak injury.
They're never great, but always decent as future Hall of Famer Ben Roethlisberger seems to always find a way to help them to mediocrity.
Tom Savage (Pitt) may be an inconsistent quarterback but he does pretty well with the absolute stockpile of offensive weapons at his disposal.
This team was the joke of the league. There was no legitimate quarterback talent coming from the area, as the team basically had to play with Syracuse graduates year in and year out. The owner got frustrated by this and decided to pack the team up and move to an area with more talent. The team became the Mississippi Bootleggers. Eli Manning has been the long-time starter, but the coaches suspect that they might have found a gem in a young man out of Mississippi State by the name of Dak Prescott...
They're not bad, but not great. Since drafting Blake Bortles out of UCF, they've been up and down, and they're hoping he can take the next step.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Matt Ryan never blows a 25-point lead to the Patriots in this universe. Why? Because the BC alum IS a Patriot, and he has done very well with Bill Belichick, winning a few super bowls along the way. The Patriots still dominate this division easily.
NEW YORK JETS
Along with the Giants, they're stuck in quarterback purgatory due to the lack of decent quarterbacks coming from New York. I guess not much is different.
Sam Bradford has proven to be a pretty good quarterback when playing behind a decent line (which hasn't been much in his career) but in this universe, he's a great quarterback behind the best offensive line in football! However, Andy Dalton from TCU is also a great quarterback behind that line. Jason Garrett of Princeton never played for the Cowboys in this universe (rather the Eagles), so owner/GM/head coach Jerry Jones decides who the starter is each week by picking names out of a hat.
NEW YORK GIANTS
See the Jets.
Lead by PSU alum Christian Hackenburg, this team struggles to win. They still manage to beat the Giants, but they are no match for Dallas and Washington.
They're a pretty good team that is getting better along with their young, dynamic quarterback from VA Tech - Tyrod Taylor.
After longtime starter Tony Romo was injured in the preseason, the team was forced to start another Eastern Illinois product: Jimmy Garoppolo. He performed admirably in Romo's absence, forcing Romo into an early retirement to replace Bengals legend Phil Simms in the broadcast booth.
Quarterback Tom Brady formed the greatest tandem in the history of the sport with Calvin Johnson, and the duo won multiple super bowls together. Brady is looking to win one more ring, but is comfortable retiring soon since he knows that a good replacement is waiting in Kirk Cousins.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
They aren't as dominant as they are in our universe, but they're still really good with former Badger Russell Wilson leading the way.
For years this team had a dominant defense that was limited by terrible quarterbacks. Finally, they look like they are ready to take the next step with NDSU's Carson Wentz under center.
The team is very similar to the one in our universe. Matt Stafford is always very good for them, and lately he's been outstanding. The only problem is, they have no idea what they have sitting on the bench with physical freak Cam Newton.
Phillip Rivers has been great for this team for a long time, but he has crumbled under their porous offensive line. Rookies Mitch Trubisky and Deshaun Watson will battle to be his successor.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
This team has struggled with some really bad quarterbacks over the years. Jamarcus Russel was terrible, and it's only slightly better with Zach Mettenberger as the current starter.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Former Sun Devil Brock Osweiler is able to harness his physical gifts with the guidance of QB guru Bruce Arians and becomes an average starter. The team, overall, is decent but never a threat to the 49ers.
Carson Palmer has had a long and solid career for the Rams, and hopefully Cody Kessler can take over once he's ready.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The 49ers have become a dynasty, though they don't involve Colts legend Joe Montana or Broncos legend Steve Young. Since drafting him first overall in 2005, Aaron Rodgers has killed it for his childhood team. They're perennial contenders.
They built a great defense that was wasted for a few years until Marcus Mariota came along to guide the offense.
So you're all wondering, what was last season like? Here are the playoff rankings.
AFC 1. Raiders 2. Texans 3. Patriots 4. Ravens 5. Chargers 6. Broncos
NFC 1. Lions 2. 49ers 3. Falcons 4. Cowboys 5. Packers 6. Panthers
Super Bowl: 49ers defeat Raiders in Battle of the Bay.
And there you have it. It's crazy to think how one little change could affect everything we know about sports. Obviously this is entirely my opinion, and it's one of my first attempts at sports writing. I'd love to hear what you all think would happen in this scenario! PenguinCarnage out.
Submitted May 13, 2017 at 01:46AM by PenguinCarnage
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